Featured Questions

Dear Lucrezia:

My boyfriend couldn’t make up his mind. One day he wanted to marry me. The next day he wanted me to get me to a nunnery. All the while he was playing hide the salami wherever I would let him. So I got this idea – pretending to drown myself (see enclosed picture), then getting my brother to kill my boyfriend with a poisoned sword. So, okay, sounds good, right, what’s my problem? Well my boyfriend shows up, undead, with one of my girlfriends from Germany. Good riddance, they’re welcome to each other. That’s not the problem. The problem is: I’ve lost my Gingerbread recipe, and I’ve already got Hamlet and Gretel laid out on the baking sheets. Professor K suggested I write you. Can you help?

– Clueless in Elsinore

 

 

Dear Elsie:

Of course I can help! But, you’ve taken on quite an assignment for yourself! Have your prepared the main ingredients? Certain Danish men need small bits removed with great skill or you’ll be in a funk for six to eight weeks after eating. I’d recommend your taking him to a capable Japanese chef who has experience preparing puffer fish.

And you might need to soak the German girl a while in brine or vinegar to avoid your getting sugar shock or prolonged post-prandial compulsive sentimentality. The best way to test for this, if she’s still alive, is to ask her to bite her nails. If she smiles and smacks her lips, a good soaking is definitely in order. I will share with you the ingredients and techniques taught to me by my best friend, Witch Claudia West, W.S.H. (also a German girl, by the way, and you know I could swear that she once mentioned someone named Gretel to me in passing. Small world, huh?).

First, you’ll need to urinate on each of them several times to tenderize them. It’s best if they’re still alive and tied down because their vivid experience of physical struggling, outrage, humiliation, helplessness and disgust give the final outcome that special je- ne-sais-quoi. Next comes the mixing. Some say that you should kill them first as it is less physically demanding, but I advise against this. Rent a thoroughly cleaned cement-mixer truck, a Bessemer converter (check at your local steel mill) and an array of earth moving equipment.

Gather the following:

1 fresh Hamlet (prepared), 1 fresh Gretel (soaked), 300 tbs. vinegar

225 cups of milk, 600 teaspoons baking powder, 775 teaspoons soda

150 teaspoons salt, 600 teaspoons of ground ginger, 300 teaspoons ground cinnamon

75 teaspoons ground cloves, 100 cups shortening, 150 cups sugar, 300 eggs, 225 cups molasses

Preheat Bessemer converter to 350° · add vinegar to milk and set aside · sift and mush together twice Hamlet, Gretel, baking powder, soda, salt and spices · in the cement mixer, cream the shortening with the butter. add eggs and churn on high until fluffy. add molasses · add mushed people and spices, a quarter at a time, alternately with the curdled milk. churn thoroughly · steam shovel into industrial pans and bake 4½ to 5½ hours until bread rebounds to the touch in the center and doesn’t giggle. serves 2400.

– Lucrezia

_______________________________________________________________________________

 

Dear Lucrezia:

What do you do with a man who snores like a buzz-saw? My husband could wake the dead, so don’t suggest suicide.

 

– Bags-Under-the-Eyes

 

Dear Bags:

His balls cause that. Cut them off. Dust lightly with flour, adding salt and pepper to taste. Sauté in olive oil with a little rosemary until golden brown. Remove from the heat and let stand for 10 minutes. Serve as is on toast points with a little relish or wrap them in pickled scrotum, warm in a low oven for 15 minutes and serve. If snoring still persists, remove his upper lip, tongue, and soft palate with a very sharp paring or boning knife. Julienne and refrigerate. Serve raw on crackers with sour cream. Must be consumed within 2 days.

– Lucrezia

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lucrezia:

I’m 17 and I’m absolutely determined to marry a very rich man, I don’t care what he looks like or acts like – only that he has plenty of money and will share it with me. Any suggestions?

– Climber

 

Dear Climber:

You’re a real little morpion, aren’t you ? Yes I have suggestions, spirochete, and here they are: First, practice, practice, practice – whistle a lot and eat lots of bananas. Second, while a lot of rich men have earned their money, many others have not – they’ve either inherited it or stolen it. These are the wimps and dirtbags you’ll want to chase because they likely have marginal self-esteem and feel guilty about their money. This makes them less likely to be tightwads. Third, learn quickly any and all the things they’re ashamed of, learn them backwards and forwards. Keep at it and in no time you’ll be shopping your tits off.

– Lucrezia

_______________________________________________________________________________

 

Dear Lucrezia:

Please help settle an argument between my boyfriend and me. He says I’m a disgusting little cesspool slut and I say he’s a filthy, wart-covered walking zit and an asswipe.

– Mad as Hell

Dear Mad:

Remember the old Certs ads? I think it applies here, like: Stop! You’re both right! As a couple, you folks are TWO, yes TWO, TWO festering biological disasters in one! Next time, just call him an oily pencil- necked geek and let it go at that.

-Lucrezia

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lucrezia:

Why is your left tit showing?

– Curious but not Yellow

Dear Yellow:

Oh Jesus Christ! They printed the goddamned picture backwards again! That’s really my right tit.

– Lucrezia