Sir John Franklin
Reported Missing!

Admiralty Worried - Cancels High Tea
Lord Franklin

 
The Royal Admiralty announced recently that the famous and beloved arctic explorer, Sir John Franklin (Lord Franklin to his friends) HAD GONE MISSING! Imagine that!

This was certainly a shock to all of us here at the Hapless Dilettante News, since the last we heard, he was doing okay. Life sure is a bitch, isn't it? And you can't imagine our embarrassment here at HDN  when the First Sea Lord told us we were somewhat tardy in reporting the story. Our London correspondent apologises to the readership, offering by way of explanation but certainly not by way of excuse, that he had a very important croquet match to attend on the morning of the original announcement. "Little did I know", confessed veteran HDN adjunct staffer, Percival Lilywhite Lord Slumthorp, "that while my poor bright orange ball was being smashed off into oblivion by that twit Snowdon, simultaneously an important announcement would come from the admiralty! It's a wonder I haven't been sacked!" [Editor's Note: He has. He just hasn't discerned so yet as we were quite casual about paying him in a timely way. I mean, he was rich, right? He didn't NEED it as much as, well, others!]

Franklin's Planned Route
 		 Lord Franklin ('That Zany Franklin' as he was known to the Royal Navy) had long been revered as the darling daredevil of the high seas. He was widely known for his abilities to spin yarns, tell lies, blacken eyes, eat pies and answer the coy questions of fair young maidens behind locked doors. He would often reply with absolutely unprintable answers under his favoured nom de plume, 'Barnacle' Lord John.

Most recently, he quit harbour in England in May, 1845 with his two ships, the Erebus and the Terror. Provisions for this voyage included a relatively new innovation called "tinned meat", patented by HDN home economics staffer M. Goldner. He reached Lancaster Sound at the head of Barrow's Straits, around August and was never seen again. Poor guy!
Needless to say, we at the HAPLESS DILETTANTE NEWS will do our bit in trying to locate Sir John. We hope we're not too late in contributing to this effort, but better late than never, we suppose! We have launched our traditional missing persons campaign as evidenced by the photo at the right. In the meanwhile, we ask that ANYONE, regardless of who, who has been travelling or conducting business in the Northwest Territories contact us immediately if any information surfaces.

Now, we've heard tell of a few sceptics, naysayers and nattering nabobs of negativism proclaiming that since Sir John was born, after all, in 1786, it would be highly unlikely that Franklin would have survived and still be around some 210+ years later. We think this is a case of gross age discrimination and we have reported it to the police, the fire department and the telephone company. Hope springs eternal here at HDN, and we're not about to let a few sourballs work out their liver complaints at the expense of our beloved Captain Franklin. I'm sure most of our right- thinking readers would agree. Further, a reward is offered for information on Lord Franklin, funded by some of his friends and discussed in the interview below.

Friends and Colleagues Fret Over Disappearance of Franklin
 


Old Franklin friend and confidante, John Renbourn, gave this account of his own experience of the development of the foregoing tragic events to Mickey Sourby of HDN. You are listening to background music for this interview, sequenced by Barry Taylor. If you'd rather go back to the original sturm und drang, click: Here
Sourby: Please tell us, John, how did you first experience Franklin's absence?
Renbourn: I was homeward bound one night on the deep. And, swinging in my hammock I fell asleep. I dreamt a dream and I thought it true, concerning Franklin and his gallant crew.
Sourby: I see. So, how did all this begin?  
Renbourn: With a hundred seamen he sailed away to the frozen ocean in the month of May, to seek a passage around the pole, where we poor sailors do sometimes go. 
Sourby: Do you know what the beginning of the voyage was like and had anyone else accomplished this previously?
Renbourn: Through cruel hardships they mainly strove. Their ship on mountains of ice was drove. Only the Eskimo in his skin canoe was the only one who ever came through.
Sourby: Do you or anyone you know have any speculations as to their eventual fate?
Renbourn: In Baffin's bay where the whale-fish blow, the fate of Franklin no man may know. The fate of Franklin no tongue can tell: Lord Franklin along with his sailors do dwell.
Sourby: How do you feel now, and what do you plan doing about all of this?
Renbourn: Now? My burden ... it gives me pain! 
Sourby: Yes, to the point where you'd do what?
Renbourn: For my long lost Franklin I would cross the main. Ten thousand pounds I would freely give to say on earth that my Franklin do live.
Sourby: You heard it (maybe?) first here in the Hapless Dilettante News, Ladies and Gentlemen, £10,000 reward is offered!

Last Known Sighting
 

In the face of all the previously mentioned widespread scepticism concerning Lord Franklin's likely survival, very recent sightings have been documented and verified. Apparently the difficulty in locating Sir John arose primarily by way of over modest speculations as to just how far of course he had been taken.

The HDN exclusive photograph below (soon to be released by JPL to the general public) has buoyed everyone's hopes.

Sir John Franklin arrives at the Pathfinder landing site to see what all the fuss is about.
A few moments after this photograph was transmitted, the heretofore problematic draping 
of airbag detritus over Sojourner's exit ramp mysteriously ceased and the rover proceeded unhindered. Click picture for video (Flash - (900k).

Celebrate the life and travels of Sir John Franklin!  Savour the same creative recipes that were prepared for the most recent expedition, devised by our own writer and low-bid contractor for Erebus provisioning, Mr. M. Goldner. Get your pens and pencils (lead pencils of course) ready ladies!

Go to Recipes!